Commitment and compliance

When I look at your energy I see you standing in back of yourself. The you that people interact with looks hallow, like you are making yourself an empty vessel so you can hold who they are and what they give you. You soak their essence in, absorb it, then feed it back to them. It’s a service, and a way of communicating and interacting that is meant to put them first and to feed who they are. Living like this is valuable to your child self because she feels loved as you draw them close and meet their needs.  

This way of interacting is excellent for making and keeping long term relationships but does not allow you to live in your own body or be fully who you are, because a real and vital part of your spirit is standing behind your physical self. It is kept in shadow and not allowed room or voice unless called forth by the request of another. It is important for this part to please and show how well she can perform. She must always measure up. If the shadow self took space and voice that would endanger your ability to serve. If you did not serve others, you would question your worth and lovability.  The child in you needs to be parented by your adult self because the child is running the show. She needs to learn that she can be lovable and still speak her truth, that she can inhabit her own body and have desires and visions that are not about pleasing anyone but herself. She does not believe this now. She may say she does, but there is a deeper life and death issue here.  This issue is as primal as claiming her right to take up space on the planet. In her heart of hearts, she does not believe she has a right to do that, others do, but she does not.

This shadow self is powerful, willful, and creative. She holds your gifts and the ability to change your life for the better. She is a threat to the status quo. You like her and want to include her but fear the cost.

When you get to a place in your process where you are ready to experiment − and you will − practice standing in silence and inviting her to merge. Watch her in your minds eye coming into your body and integrating. Breathe into her presence and allow her to have a voice. What does she have to say? Write it, hear it, speak it, allow it, honor it. I’m thinking she is probably pissed off and tired of being so nice to people who are stealing her life energy and time.

You are dealing with early issues, so none of this is easy, but you are at a crossroads now. What will you do?  Live your life to fulfill yourself or be a vessel that hangs on the approval of others while supporting what they want to be and do.

Here’s the up side. When you find your courage, you’ll get it all anyway. When you risk and can heal the frightened compliant part, stand fully in yourself and honor who and what you are above all else, you’ll like yourself better and so will others. If they don’t, it will be fine to have them walk away. This pattern was created in childhood, so it seems huge, but once you get on the other side, you’ll be able to see it for the smoke screen it is. You’ll wonder, What took me so long. Life is much better this way.